Another Year Gone

It's after midnight on May 18th, my 42nd Birthday.  I cannot sleep.  I am struggling with this age thing, not so much because I'm another year older, more because I am 42 and still very overweight.  I told myself last year it would be the last birthday as a "fat person", and well...here I am...a "fat person".  I hate that word; it's probably one of the ugliest words I know because I use it to identify myself.  I should not allow it to define who I am, but it's hard not to when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or struggle walking up the hill after work.

I dropped my friend off after work and she wished me a Happy Birthday because I am away tomorrow.  I kind of shrugged it off, but offered thanks, followed by "this is the last one".  It just came out (no filter on my then 41 year old mouth).  She turned back and asked what I meant, with a worried look on her face.  I said "oh, I meant this is the last birthday in this shape" after which she smiled and gave me a "you go girl, I know you can do it".  I felt good at that moment because I am starting to share this secret with outsiders.  Sounds a little funny to say the word secret about my weight, because it's obvious I am overweight and out of shape!  But there is a secret I've been keeping, it's called shame.  I held shame very close to me, barely ever letting it out.  That is starting to change now.  I am not keeping my words inside, or my shame.  I am advising those around me in a number of different ways that I am fighting this, and I am also letting them know that it has come close to destroying every bit of self-esteem I have. That is my shame.

So as I lie here next to my love, I have this to say.  I love myself.  I haven't felt that way in many years, but I have started to surround myself with people that believe in me, and do not see a "fat person".  They have offered me support and friendship, and love.  I am blessed.  And on my 42nd Birthday I can say this out loud "This is the last one, the last Birthday as an overweight and out of shape ME".  :)  Love you all.

Greggybear

I read a blog today from a guy that went to my high school.  He was a few years behind me, but I remember him.  He's 37 now and he's dying.  His writings were painful to read, but inspiring.  What an incredible will to live this fellow has.  I felt pretty shitty after reading the blogs, not necessarily for him (even though his story is tragic), but for me.  I felt shitty for feeling...shitty.  How could I be so selfish?  I feel sorry for myself because I don't have a hot body...something I can change with hard work and will power.  I am otherwise healthy.  This school mate is dying and has experienced some horrible things in relation to his health and attempts to get better.

So I talked about it, in my head to myself, and with my partner.  I said how I feel silly for allowing my weight to define who I am.  It does not.  I am a good person, with a loving heart.  But I have a weight problem and I am going to battle this, with the same determination that this man is battling to stay alive.  You are an inspiration Greg.  He is in my prayers tonight.  xo